When someone dies, the feelings experienced can vary widely from person to person.  How close we were to the person, and how the person has died are all things that affects how we feel about our loss.

This section looks at some feelings that many people feel when someone they are close to dies. 

• Shock
• Sadness
• Anger
• Guilt
• Depression
• Resentment
• Worries
• Showing Emotion
• Other People's Reactions

Shock

Being in shock is a common emotion when we first hear about a death of someone close; this can be accompanied by a feeling of disbelief especially if their death was unexpected.  It can take time to come to terms with the reality.   Shock can affect your sleeping, appetite and can even make you feel sick.  This sense of shock for most people passes quickly although for others it may take longer as they begin to cope with the changes that the person’s death has brought to their life.

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Sadness

This feeling can be very strong especially in the early days following someone’s death and may feel like a physical pain.  These strong feeling and unhappiness should lessen as time goes on.  This is normal and does not mean that the person was not important to you.

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Anger

Sometimes when someone you are close to dies you can feel angry.  You may feel angry at the unfairness of it, angry at the person who has died for leaving you, angry at God for taking them or your anger may be directed at others such as the hospital staff or at adults for not telling you the person was so ill.  Anger is a normal part of the grieving process and you should experience it less through time.  Anger becomes harmful when you begin to feel it all the time or it has not lessen with time resulting in destructive behaviour.  People who are able to talk about their feelings are less likely to experience anger than those who keep it bottled up.

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Guilt

People often feel guilty about things they said or didn’t say, or did or didn’t do.  ‘If only’ is a natural part of the grieving process and often happens in the early months after someone has died.  It is important to remember that as you grow up and develop your own ideas and opinions that it is common to have disagreements this is a natural part of becoming an independent adult.

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Depression

Sometimes losing some one close can lead to depression.  This can happen when someone feels a very deep sadness that goes on for a very long time.  A person may feel that his or her own life has no meaning, even getting out of bed may be too much.  Changes in sleeping patterns, appetite or wanting to withdraw from contact with others can be all signs of depression.  If you are experiencing some of these symptoms it is very important to seek help, as depression can be difficult to cope with on your own.  You should talk to your doctor or someone you trust or contact an organisation such as Cruse.

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Resentment

This can build up slowly over a long time as the affect of someone death on our life becomes apparent.  Young people in particular may feel resentment because they have to take on new responsibilities, such as helping more about the house.  They may feel resentful and angry at friends for having less responsibility or even for still having the mum or dad they have lost.  This build up of resentment can affect your relationships with your family and friends.  Talk about how you feel to someone you trust, this can help you work through the emotions that can lead to resentment and to help you put things into perspective.

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Worries

Losing someone close to you can make you frightened about the future, even afraid that someone else you love may die and leave you too.  If you have lost a parent you may worry of the financial impact on your family circumstances.  These worries and fears can be very intense, but should settle once a new routine has been settled into.  If you are very worried talk to someone you trust.  Sharing your worries can help you put them into perspective. 

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Showing Emotion

Everyone is an individual and will have different ways of showing their emotions.  Some people will cry a lot; some become very quiet and hide their feelings, others will want to talk about the person who has died.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve as it is a personal experience.  If you can it is a good idea to talk about the way you are feeling and the effect the person’s death has on you.  This is particularly important if you find yourself acting in a way you know to be negative and destructive.  Talking can provide a release from powerful feeling building up inside you.

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Other People's Reactions

Friends often don’t know how to react to you.  They often don’t know what to say or do.  This can be very hard especially if the friend is someone you have been close to.  They may think that if they talk about it, they will make you feel worse.  If you want to talk about it, let them know, it can be helpful to have a friend with whom to share your feeling.